{Lately.}

own network photo

I feel a whole lot like this article ...... 

I'm in the frustrating time of my life where you go, go, go and it feels like no one cares or notices anything you do.... 

though I feel happy about the fact that I'm here and can be at home with them helping them, teaching them and leading them, holding them.

But its the most thankless job there probably ever is ....

I suppose the thankfulness comes in the little successes in watching our kids grow up and make good choices and the little steps of life lessons along the way the hugs, notes and looks and talks too. 

Sometimes it just feels like you give, give, give and at the end of the day you have nothing left in you to do the things you know you want to and need to and should sometimes with them, or for yourself.

I'm in that stage where my oldest doesn't need me like he used to because he's growing up spreading his "little" wings ..... he's in a new phase of his life its exciting and new and mom isn't exactly the novelty she used to be....

or your baby isn't a baby anymore he plays and goes to others houses and goes to school and really doesn't need you anymore like he used to...... he loves the Independence and loves to go and think and make choices on his own...all exciting new feelings and adventures of his own.

{seriously how cute is the picture he said "mom take a picture of my new friend"  

how could I resist}

and your two other children are adventurous, very independent thinkers and doers too...

but to be honest I feel a little lost

like whats next? where do I go from here?

when I don't want to be done that young baby stage yet 

I don't want to work full time or anything

I don't want to feel middle aged and I don't want to not feel ......well needed like I used to for so many years of diapers, feedings, watching, playing everything we've been used to for 12 years......

You know what I mean.... and its finding the balance and the usefulness of being me and where am I going? what am I doing? and where can I find whats next?  whats my passion? It's my family my children but its a new phase and where am I'm needed most..... that's right here I know that 

but its hard to enter a phase of just 

giving giving and giving

doing doing doing 

and wondering if they care, or notice if you weren't here 

doing, doing,  doing and all you ask sometimes is a little help or to see what needs done, what you can help with and a little appreciation along the journey.

because we all need to feel appreciated its fine to say that God notices all the little details that count......but lets be real that is so very important but in the day to day its the small things that make the difference to us that we matter that we are still important that we are the glue.

The glue that holds it all together. Through the aches, the pains, the tears the self doubt, the thoughts still enter .

But sometimes whats inside struggles with that .....struggles with knowing what will make the biggest difference....struggles with entering the next stage of life while desperately hanging onto the old one

that can still smell that newborn ,

ache to hold, bath and feed that baby

watch them reach for you,smile at you and depend on you for everything.

To feel like you matter more than anything and anybody in the whole world if only for that short time...

I see myself wondering what I am without them around as I get older without finding what is also important to me so that when that time comes I still have something more to hold onto....than memories of little hands in mine....

I guess it comes down to without that little hand in mine depending on me for the everyday little day to day things its so hard to move forward to see a new dream leave old ones behind and have a new goals to work towards.

I struggle with change thats no secret I guess sometimes I see the world around us changing so drastically I can't wrap my mind around it.... from everyday life... to education, new laws, to society and the things we let slid and let in..... to the way we've always done things that I have a hard time understanding why something thats always worked just fine why does it need to be changed.  I'm traditional .....

I feel like an old soul some days {or maybe I am just getting old??} time to face it;) I don't know..... I often wonder that those who have lived 85 years and seen the whole world around them change how do they get past how fast and far things have come? How fast motherhood goes by? that the children grow up,.... move on with their lives get married, make choices, make mistakes........  and knowing all along you shaped that, molded that and hopefully in the end its all so very worth every hard moment, thought and change to get to that point

 Change is hard. At every phase in life.....

Hard to comprehend sometimes but looking back I want to know that I've enjoyed the journey........ made the best decisions for all of us and done my best whether anybody notices or not in this home. Inside I want to know I gave it my all did my best and push forward.....

SO

I'm trying really hard to {feel the love} some days are hard lately

trying not to feel like a maid, cook and cleaner, laundress

like I'm the only one who knows how to do anything around here

like I'm a jungle gym

that the words I love you 

don't mean anything if your not willing to show it 

Trying really hard not to feel bored some days and house bound 

trying hard not to get out of habit of things that should be habit
things that matter though they be small 

Trying hard to carry on even though I'm super tired by dinner time

Trying hard to have patience and find purpose in everyday.

Trying hard.

To Be.

S t r o n g e r.

Everyday.
Do and be a little better each and every day.
because thats what life is a series of phases, steps of change and a lifetime collection of memories.
and
 its all worth it.

  Make them good ones:)
These little people depend on me.
A happy me
no matter the phase, change or step.

♥Happy Valentines Day♥
17 years ago tomorrow {well technically feb 15;) D asked me to marry him and I couldn't be happier by his side supporting him, loving him and raising our not so littles together
onward and upward:)

{and really this whole post could be due to cabin fever and ready for spring syndrome;) }