{ Me thinks Monday....}

Another week, another Monday and another me thinks.

First of all I survived my first enrichment super Saturday in my new ward in my new calling -YES I said new calling Oh did I forgot to mention that awhile ago ha ha - so yes me-- the lover of relief society and enrichment {more on that later*} got called to the enrichment committee {Yes} I cried for an hour after hearing it and

YES I got over it and I do what I'm called to do and do the best I can where ever I serve.

SO I'm only going to say this once.

I HAD Fun.

There I said it. I know I'm a nerd.

I met new FUN people who I hope to get to know better and enjoyed time with friends that I've know for a long time. But I really enjoyed meeting new people. And I made these blocks. So it was a good day. And the kids got to spend the day with dad at the Ranch.

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Next I got this recipe from my sis DJ the other day for Flubber. Masen spent forever playing this morning with it and it was totally easy to make kid of like an experiment actually. Its not messy like play dough {for us play dough is an outside activity so I don't get frustrated at the play dough in the carpet and everywhere else..}

anyway give it a try here is the recipe!

FLUBBER

Mixture 1:

3/4 cup warm water

1 cup Elmers Glue

Food Coloring

Mixture 2:

2 tsp. Borax

1/2 cup warm water

Stir mixture 1 together in one bowl, mixture 2 in another bowl. Make sure both are mixed well. Pour mixture 1 into mixture 2. No need to stir just reach in and pull out the glob of flubber! Work it together for 2 or 3 minutes.

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Then I forgot to mention and say thank you to Holly cause a couple of week ago I won a cool bracelet in a giveaway she did. So fun to get packages in the mail. Anyway I love it and Lauren loves it too she trys it on all the time and sighs and says I wish it fit me mom. Anyway check out Holly's blog she is amazing and talented and a great writer!

She is also part of the reason for my thoughts for

ME THINKS

this week

the other part is because it is national adoption month. I've been thinking alot about it partly because we have been on the waiting list for a little while again for baby number four so we think about it alot.

Over the last few posts Holly has been writing her infertility and adoption journey and feelings.

She writes so perfectly.

I couldn't have ever come close to writing it the way she has. In fact she writes it so perfectly I feel like she has been exactly where we have been

and she and her husband have.

They are the exact same feelings we have felt and I know many of you feel it too who are going through infertility and adoption experiences right now .

So I thought I'd share it with you today some of what she wrote and some of my own personal feelings.

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"...... Sometimes I feel like I am dressed in a hospital gown (you know the ones that fully expose your back side?), only I'm always dressed in it, I must go to work in it, wear it all around town, everywhere I go I am exposed. Let me explain why I feel this way. When you fill your adoption papers out, you fill out many many questionnaires, that ask dozens of personal questions like... "How would you describe the intimacy in your marriage?" Hmmm.... I know there must be reasons for these questions, but I myself just can't figure out why they need to know that and how exactly I should answer it for that matter. They come to your home and you take them on a tour of it. You wonder if they think it's clean enough, or if it is kid-friendly enough. Hundreds of questions about being "good enough" run through my mind. But when you are faced with people who's job is to come into your home {your personal space} and their decision will either make it possible or not for you to have a future family... it's easy to get a little anxiety over the whole situation. When all this is over then you are asked to write a one page letter to your child's future birth mother, and attach a collage of pictures of yourself. How important is it for you to say "the right words" and how are you supposed to decide on say 10 pictures or so that will show her what you are all about. It was nerve wracking to say the least. You can imagine how "exposed" we were feeling. After all the poking and prodding, I wonder why some people can carry a child and no one asks them a single question about their background, or their abilities to raise a successful, self confident child. No one asks them if they will be willing to love and cherish a child, no one comes into their home and asses their readiness to bring a child into the world. Maybe if we did, we wouldn't have a need for the Foster Care system.

".....I think that most people in general are fairly sensitive to those who can not have children, but there are the few that are misinformed or those that just don't think before they speak, they don't realize what it is like to have your dreams crushed. But it's better now, my pain is not raw. I've learned that I don't have to take offense. I think that when you come to grips that you are labeled as "infertile" that you go through a type of grieving process, I felt broken, & betrayed. I felt like I was sort of a freak, everyone around me could make a baby, but I could not, I did not have the divine gift of creating a life. Some of the secret thoughts that went through my head at this time...

Did God love me less or did He not trust me enough to carry a child. Maybe I would be a terrible mother, maybe it was better this way. Why would he make me broken? Why did it have to hurt so much? Was I being punished for previous sins?
I had so many quiet and shameful questions that raced through my head through this time period.
I also found that those around you either lift you up and share your pain or they want you to keep your pain hidden, they don't want to deal with it, it makes them uncomfortable, so you just pretend your life is perfect, because after all you are the lucky one, you aren't the one getting up at 2 am to feed and change a little bum, you and your hubby can still go out on date nights and be spontaneous. Yes, that's right you are the lucky one.
But out of all this pain came some of the greatest blessings of our lives!

Our testimonies grew. I came to more fully understand the power of the Atonement. I became more compassionate and aware of others struggles around me. I felt the Savior there with me through my trials. I knew the Lord was watching over us and preparing a way for us to have a family"

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When I first read this and all she has written I bawled because these are the same feelings we have experienced.

Some of my thoughts for Me thinks to add to Holly's are these...

The pain, the hurt, the wondering, the tests, the procedures, the failed procedures {five for us all failed all wasted money but worth it? cause who knows would I wonder what if?}, the drugs - clomid, the questions, the prayers, the waiting, the babies all around when you really are grieving for something that

never happens..

never comes..

You go to work day after day...

Year after Year..

You cry hearing another of your friends or family is having a baby.

You are so happy for them but the pain is unbearable sometimes.

AND everybody handles the pain differently some set up nurseries in hopes, some buy baby clothes,

some avoid mothers day,

some avoid baby showers and *enrichment activities because all they seem to talk about at them are things having to do with being pregnant

and you feel left out

like you are a big failure or a loser

cause you have nothing to contribute yet you want to be apart of that circle so bad

it hurts.

sometimes you leave crying and vow never to go again or at least only once a year when its one your husband can come to.

some hold as many peoples babies as possible and some just can't....

some of us have cried ourselves to sleep and wept in our husbands arms night after night.

Because that was the dream we always wanted that's why we came to earth to have a family to bring children into the world and when the only dream you ever had doesn't happen like you dream, hope, wish and pray for you wonder.....

you grow closer together and keep praying.

and then you realize after five years of nothing happening that the only means to have a family you always dreamed of..... is through adoption.

and that is another realm of feelings for another day...

emotions, evasive questions, the why why why...

but its through these things - through the pain the ups and downs and experiences that bring us to where we are today.

I still hurt sometimes, still wonder, still hope, still dream if I will have bring a child into this world. But all that I have gone through has made me who I am made me more aware of others struggles and trials.

and as mrs. R says:

....we have been through those years of trying and nothing--feeling empty, lonely and like a failure every month. we have been through infertility--i guess we are still in that one, but we don't deal emotionally with it much any more, not like the "olden days."

Its still there just not raw - emotionally its there but its in on the back shelf not on the surface. It doesn't ever fully go away. Its always there.

But we deal with it and move on.

Because out of all this pain came some of the greatest blessings of our lives.

It brings a scripture to mind something like this

"....and all these things shall be for thy good"

and it is.

sometimes we don't figure that out right away but I have learned that it has been for our good and has been a blessing in so, so many ways.

In three miracles who are my children,

in helping and talking with people who I never could have helped or given comfort or understanding had I not been through this.

in the waiting and praying for almost 12 years now...

There are lessons to be learned from all we have to go through sometimes its hard to know what they are when going through the emotions and trial. But soon we realize a few why's and see the hand of a loving Heavenly Father who was listening all along.

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